PROMISING COMIC AUTHOR FEARED DEAD IN EAST LONDON RIOTS
Jeremy (nee Jeremiah) Agnew, the author of the cult series ‘The Adventures of Tango and Gimp’ and known also for his occasional forays into the world of sensorimotor child development, has been declared officially facebook dead. Mr. Agnew made the fundamental error of using Facebook solely as a vehicle for his own deviant brand of childish humour and silly japes, and not as a medium for serious communication.
In his final days, he was the victim of a vicious Daily Mail hate campaign to silence him. Its editorial on Nov. 28th stated: ‘This man is maverick and a moron. He needs to be removed asap before he perverts the minds of our innocent, adolescent facebook users’.
It appears that one of his final posts, in which he suggested that the people of Hackney and Chingford should be collectively awarded the Nobel Prize for their pioneering research into synaptic boutons, was the cause of his unfortunate demise. Boris Johnson, ever the opportunist and keen to re-vive his flagging ‘Shake Up the Cornflakes’ campaign, was more forthright in his attack: ‘ This man is a social degenerate. His antics are undermining the main purpose of facebook which, as we all know, is to allow our young people to post photos of their genitals and their friends collapsing headlong into their own vomit. This is what we did in the Bullie and it hasn’t damaged our divinely-ordained right to elite status’.
Returning to the theme of his campaign, he went on: ‘This Agnew cretin has no shame. His IQ is in the bottom 1.6% of the population. He enjoyed 21 years of state funded education and he still hasn’t got Maths ‘O’ level – or whatever you call it these days – and I doubt very much that he even has one synaptic bouton. This man is a fuckwit and a 100% genetically-endowed Epsilon and clear proof that we should bring back grammar schools and lower the school-leaving age to 5 yrs’.
Johnson’s irresponsible offer of a ransom of 5 Bitcoins and a medium-sized bar of Toblerone tipped the normally passive citizens of the good boroughs of Hackney and Chingford into a baying mob of blood-thirsty jackasses , desperate to claim the ‘Boris Booty‘. As the Eastern territories of London descended into chaos the Hackney Camorra, fearful that their control of the local gin-houses was under threat, made Mr. Agnew an offer he couldn’t refuse. With his characteristic knack for doing the wrong thing, he did – ergo, he is no more. Il n’existe plus. Abit ad Maires. Hij is dood. Details are scarce but rumour has it that he has been encased in concrete and dropped into the River Lea close to the George V Reservoir at the aptly named Ponders End. Mr. Agnew’s Tango and Gimp stories enjoyed mild popularity in his beloved Nederlands and pinned on a tree near the towpath is a fitting memoriam:
: HIJ WAS ALTIJD EEN PRAT